


It wants to kill you (It wants to tear you apart)

by amazingjemma



Series: black swan [black widow!simmons verse] [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Black Widow AU, F/M, Fight Scene, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 07:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7608337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingjemma/pseuds/amazingjemma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can leave the Red Room. But the Red Room never leaves you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It wants to kill you (It wants to tear you apart)

**Author's Note:**

> And, here we go. I've finally 'opened' my Black Widow verse on ao3.   
> Warning for fight scene, brainwashing.  
> Hope you'll like it :)

Jemma sighs, glancing at her wrist watch. She’s been hiding in Fitz’s bunk since he left for the mission almost six hours ago.

No matter how hard Jemma tries to convince him otherwise, Coulson forbides her to leave the base. This isn’t surprising to Simmons - given their history it’s expected that he wouldn’t trust a Black Widow. Not when she's got so much blood on her hands and corpses behind her back. 

Being left at the base isn't the only problem though. The other reason that she’s locked herself up is to avoid the looks she's always getting from the other agents. Some of them are just scared of her; while some of them scare  _her_ . Anyway, she isn't someone who can feel comfortable at the Playground. She chuckles at the realization that she’d probably feel safer on the run than in her current situation.

That being said there is at least one  person on the base who treats her like a  human being , but he's left on a mission.

"You can't hide in here forever", Jemma mutters quietly to herself, sinking into the silky duvet of Fitz's bed. "Everything is going to be fine. Relax."

She closes her eyes and counts to ten, then takes a deep breath and gets up, fixing her wrinkled clothes. No matter how safe she feels here, in his room, she still has to prove to others that she can be trusted.

She doesn't kill anymore. She is trying to start a new life, with SHIELD and Leo Fitz by her side.

The empty corridor makes Jemma shiver, memories of Red Rooms flooding her brain. She tries to bury these memories deep inside her, not let them float into her conscious, but Jemma can still hear the faint sound of an old black piano and see little girls, practising their pas. 

"Simmons."

She ignores the voice and continues staring right ahead of her, watching one of the girls with caramel curls and honey glassy eyes turning her head to Jemma's side. The little girl's smile fades and she looks forbidding, a fire burning in her big doe eyes. The girl blinks and makes a step forward towards Jemma, a knife in her right hand.

"Jemma!"

The Black Widow jumps a little and turns around, clutching her hands into fists and ready to fight. Something in her brain shifts when she sees a tall blonde girl, standing in front of her with her hands up and Jemma relaxes.

"Are you alright?" Bobbi Morse smiles reassuringly and takes a few steps forward. "You weren’t at dinner. I thought you might be feeling sick again."

Jemma feels a strange warm feeling rising in her chest. She blinks and shakes her head, shaking the picture of a little girl with caramel curls out of her conscious. For the first two  weeks  Jemma had had nightmares, always waking up and throwing up. Fitz was patient with her, he tried to help and make sure nothing will trigger Simmons' program. She appreciates the help, even though Barbara Morse seems terrifying when she is twirling her electric batons.

"Yeah", Jemma finally says. "Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't wan t to make a mess."

"You would never make a mess here", Bobbi smiles and only it is then that Jemma notices a  bottle of, what she thinks is, water. "It is important to stay hydrated", Bobbi replies. Jemma takes the bottle and smiles weakly, thanking the blonde girl.

"How are you doing in general, Jemma?" Bobbi studies her, trying to find something in their guest's eyes. Something dark.

"I’m okay", Jemma shrugs and takes a sip of water. "I feel safe here."

"Did you remember something?  F rom your... past?"

Jemma shivers and stares at Bobbi for a few seconds before shaking her head. Even thinking about it, about her past, makes her head ache and she feels like she  _is_ someone, but not  _her_ . She is scared of those memories. "I am trying not to think about it", she admits. "It's just too much. It may sound too poetic, but memories hurt."

"I know how you feel, and if you feel like you’re starting remember anything", Bobbi takes a step forward, "please, let me know. Okay? I will help you to remember, or at least help you to understand. You shouldn't be scared of us. We are trying to help."

Jemma stares at Agent Morse and can't decide whether she trusts her or not. She seems genuine, kind and helpful. Qualities that SHIELD Agents are not required to have. Jemma blames her own trust issues for that assessment of SHIELD, but then again, she trusts Fitz.

Bobbi reminds her of Fitz, somehow. If Leo and Bobbi were siblings, Jemma wouldn't be surprised. 

_We are trying to help._ She heard that in the Red Room. She remembers a man, cold leather chains around her legs and a tight white shirt around her body.

Jemma suddenly  realizes that she won't make it alone. She's needs someone to help her, and to help others if the program were to activate. She opens her mouth to say so, but sees another agent, rushing to their side with blood  o n his hands. 

"Bobbi, we have a problem", the guy breaths heavily and Jemma cocks her head, trying to remember his name. "We need a medical. Are you on?"

"Yeah, sure", Bobbi smiles at Jemma and follows the guy, leaving Jemma alone. Something clicks in her head and she catches up with agents. 

"Can I join you? I can be useful."

"Yes, that would be great", the guy smiles -  _Lincoln_ \- and Jemma beams _._ He doesn't seem aggressive anymore, like it was the other week, when Leo Fitz brought a Black Widow to the base. "We would need another pair of hands. You good at  medical help ?"

"Have a PhD in biochemistry, actually", Jemma mutters and Bobbi whistles. Lincoln seems impressed.

The hangar is full of agents, running and screaming at each other. Jemma suddenly feels overwhelmed and tries to find Fitz. He is nowhere to be found, but she knows he is here and it calms her down. She hears Lincoln calling her and she approaches him, falling down on her knees next to a bleeding agent.

"What should I do?" She asks and Lincoln groans, trying to find the wound.

"There is a syringe with analgesic," Lincoln says and Jemma doesn't need to be told twice. She easily finds it and passes it to the doctor. "Help me to clean his wound", Lincoln says more calmly. Jemma nods and starts working, finally feeling useful.

"What is she doing here?!" A voice startles her and she jumps, meeting another agent's glare. He seems displeased, angry and judging Jemma Simmons with fire in his eyes. "Get the hell away from him!"

"I am trying to help", Jemma hisses and stands up slowly. Lincoln swears quietly but finishes sewing up the agent's wound and orders some other agents to take him to the med bay. He stands up and approaches Simmons, staring at the aggressive agent.

"Are we having problems here, Agent Drake?" 

"Oh, no problems. Except her, being here" Agent Drake's voice is like venom, something that Jemma got used to hearing. 

"She has every right to be here", Bobbi Morse roars, suddenly appearing next to Jemma. "You are not in charge of giving orders."

The man chuckles and takes one step forward, his hand darting to the gun next to his hip. Lincoln tenses and Bobbi covers Jemma with her body. Simmons rolls her eyes at the sudden protection. Bobbi knows perfectly well what Jemma is capable of and still tries  t o keep her safe.

"I am not. But I have every right to say what I am thinking. She doesn't deserve to be here. She is not even a SHIELD agent."

"Well, it's a shame that no one asked you", Jemma snaps and Agent Drake gives her a death glare. "Don't give me that look. I am not scared of you. You ain't nothing but their puppy.  You do what they say, without using  y our  own  brain. You may be a SHIELD agent, but you chose to be one. You remember what that decision has done to you. What it’s done to your life, to your personality. What have you sacrificed to be a SHIELD agent, and what you've got in return."

Bobbi furrows and shifts uncomfortably, drinking in Jemma's words. She hates to admit it, but she agrees with the girl. She thinks back to her life before SHIELD and compares it to her life now. Then she glances at Agent Drake and Jemma, who somehow managed to push through and is now moving towards the man.  Bobbi 's watching her back and wondering what they did to her, back in the Red Room. 

"You are nothing", Drake hisses and chuckles. "You don't even know your past. You know nothing about being important and useful. They erased you, your personally, and this is what we still have. You are... lost. You are a ghost."

Jemma stills and takes a deep breath. Her vision blurs and she can swear she hears the voice at the back of her head, telling her to lose herself. She feels adrenaline burning in her veins, the weight of the gun in her shaking hands and the annoying clicking in her head. _Lose yourself. Faceless. You're a ghost. Ghost. Faceless. Ghost._

Bobbi's eyes go wide when Jemma without any warning turns around and goes to the shelf where Coulson and agents keep their guns. Bobbi feels Lincoln tense beside her but she turns her head and shakes it rapidly. It'll only make the situation worse.

Meanwhile, Jemma grabs the closest gun and checks if it's loaded; then she turns around, with the same blurring fire in her eyes and slowly approaches the other agents, her eyes never leaving Drake's.

Bobbi reacts quickly, the time for thinking's up. She darts towards Jemma and tries to capture her attention by grabbing her shoulders and shaking her a bit. “Hey, Simmons! Wake up! It's not real, can you hear me? This is... you don't want to do it. It's not you.”

Simmons stops – thank God – and chuckles, looking right in the other girl's eyes. “This is exactly who I am. Without any masks. This is what they want me to be. The real me.”

“No, Jemma, you're the one who decides who you should be. It's in your brain. This is how you make choices. You think. Right now you're not thinking, someone's manipulating you.”

“Well, I'm happy to comply.”

Jemma's grin is almost hellish but Bobbi doesn't let her go. Her hands go to Jemma's wrists and she tries to yank the gun away. Jemma’s face changes as soon as she realizes what the tall blonde woman is trying to do and the fire in her eyes burns wilder. Without blinking, she shoves Bobbi away from her and points the gun in her direction, but Morse recovers quickly and knocks the gun out of Simmons' hands. Jemma hisses and grabs Bobbi's ankle, making her fall roughly on the floor.

During this moment of stillness, Jemma tries to take the gun but trips and falls down. Bobbi's hands grab her shoulders and turn around, shoving her against the surface of the wall. Simmons groans but doesn't give up, and after a few seconds she throws herself at the opponent, both falling to the ground again. 

Jemma knows she's the worst at hand combat, but she tries her best. It's like being back at the training room again – surrounded by authorities, you can't fail. Because failing means punishment and the punishment is being brainwashed, all over again. _You never fail, don't you, Miss Simmons?_ Mockingbird's hands are on her throat and Jemma groans, familiar suffocation driving her mad and insane and she wants to _win. Your compliance will be rewarded, Miss Simmons. Finish her._ _You're unbreakable, aren't you?_ Unbreakable. 

“You can't destroy me”, Jemma groans and smirks at Bobbi on top of her.

“I don't want this, Jemma. Please, listen to me”, Barbara pleads. “You know I'd never hurt you. But remember who we are to you. We are not them. You are not there.”

“I am exactly where I have to be.” The Black Widow snaps and hits with her knees towards Bobbi's stomach. The blonde woman groans and rolls away from Simmons. She feels someone helping her to stand up and stares at Lincoln with terror in her eyes. “I can't help from here. I don't want to kill her, she's brainwashed.”

“What's the trigger?” Lincoln wonders, watching Simmons and other agents running around with guns in their hands. He gives Bobbi her batons and she nods.

“I have no idea. Words, maybe. I didn’t exactly study this at the academy”, Bobbi spits blood from her mouth and twirls her batons in her hands. “Don't let anyone kill her. I'll try to bring her back.”

Without her tactical suit, Bobbi feels almost naked but she still has to try to wake Jemma up from her nightmare. She’s convinced that Simmons' trigger is buried deep inside her, and if they have to fight - they'll fight, but she won't let anyone pull the trigger.

Not because of Fitz, who will definitely try to avenge, but for the sake of Jemma's life. She clearly doesn't know what she's doing and Barbara Morse, of all people, knows what it is like to be unmade.

“Hey, spider!” She calls and Jemma turns around, a wolfish smirk on her lips. “Come here and get me.”

Simmons grabs a round metal beam that was lying nearby and swings, but Bobbi blocks it with her baton and notices a few agents aiming their guns at the fighting couple. Jemma then tries to hit her from behind and she almost succeeds, but Morse dodges skillfully. Black Widow smirks and spits her own blood on the floor. 

“I can do that all day. I am unbreakable.”

“Even marble breaks”, Bobbi replies.

They fight for another ten minutes, but when Jemma's lying on the floor, panting and bleeding, Bobbi thinks that maybe they should call on desperate measures. When Simmons tries to get up but gets pressed against the floor even harder, she cries out in pain and Bobbi winces.

“Cmon, Jemma, wake up! Don't make me do this to you.”

“I'm not even tired”, Simmons laughs. “You don't know this feeling. This is... I am. It's me. It's deep inside me and I can't erase it. It's a part of me.”

“That's not true, and you know that”, Bobbi groans when Simmons attempts to get up, trying to kick Bobbi off her. “Listen to me, Simmons. You're not there anymore and you're definitely not their muppet. We can help you, only if you stop fighting.”

“I can't”, Jemma whimpers and suddenly feels weaker. “I can't or they'll kill me. I must be unbreakable. Finish the mission. Finish...”

“The only thing you must to do right now is wake up. It's not the Red Room, okay? It's not. You are safe and no one will kill you if you fail. It's okay to fail, can you hear me?”

“But I... I can't... It's in my head, I can't...”

“I will help you, personally”, Bobbi whispers and shifts to straddle Simmons' lap, to take her face in hands. “Wake up. I am your friend, not the enemy. We are all here to help you - me, Lincoln, and Fitz...”

“Fitz?” Jemma blinks and something shines in her eyes. She stills and then takes a deep breath, going slack under Bobbi's weight. Morse smiles and loosens her grip, getting off the girl underneath her. “Miami?”

“Yeah, Miami. Fitz. Miami. You're okay, Jemma. You're not there.”

A few tears escape Jemma's eyes and she sighs, letting go of the weapon in her right hand. She stares at Bobbi and when the blur completely disappears, she feels her lips trembling and she stands up quickly, trying not to look at anyone.

The hangar is full of agents, ready to fire if necessary, but Lincoln and Bobbi try to cover Simmons from others.

Just when Mockingbird relaxes, watching Jemma coming back and moving towards them, a steady gunshot rings in the air and Simmons falls down on her knees, a cry of pain rings in Bobbi's ears and she turns around to find that person who took a shot.

Meanwhile Lincoln rushes to the woman, quickly ripping off her shirt sleeve to expose a gunshot wound in her forearm. He whispers reassuring words and shouts at Bobbi to take care of the other agents, lifting up Jemma in the process and trying not to hurt her more.

* * *

When Jemma comes to, she cringes at the white light and moans at the feeling of sharp pain in her right shoulder. She hears faint voices somewhere, but there's also an annoyingly terrifying voice which keeps yelling at her at the back of her mind. The dark side of her keeps telling her that she's failed and that the consequences of her failure will be disastrous. The other side of Jemma tries to sooth her pain and reassure her that everything is going to be fine, and that nothing will happen to her.

She closes her eyes and hopes to fall back asleep, but she feels someone moving next to her, taking her hand to check the pulse. When Jemma opens her eyes, she sees Lincoln, wearing his white coat, like a real doctor.

“Hello there,” he smiles. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I've been stabbed ten times in a row”, Jemma grumbles and tries to sit up, but Lincoln pushes her back. “What? What's wrong?”

“You've lost too much blood. Don't try to be hero at least right now, okay? And let me help.”

“You weren't like that when I came to the base.” Jemma muses while Campbell changed the bandage on her shoulder.

Lincoln sighs. That's true. He was cold and unwelcome towards Simmons when Leo Fitz – his fellow agent – brought back her to the base. She was an infamous killer, a Black Widow and someone who Lincoln couldn't trust.

It didn't take long for Jemma and Lincoln to draw the line between past and present, though. She did nothing to hurt him or someone he loved, so helping her now wasn't difficult at all.

“I guess people change”, Lincoln finally mutters and checks her IVs before smiling at his patient. “You should feel better by tomorrow. But now, rest. That's an order.”

Jemma lets out a laugh and Dr. Campbell winks at her, leaving Jemma alone for five seconds. However just after the doctor leaves, Fitz bursts into the room and immediately sits next to Jemma's bed, taking her hand.

“Who the fuck did this to you?”

Jemma beams at the sight of her best friend and laughs harshly at his facial expression. He looks scared, angry and determined all at once and Simmons squeezes his hand reassuringly.

“It doesn't matter.”

“It doesn't-” Fitz rolls his eyes and leans forward. “Of course it matters! You nearly died, Jemma. _Again._ Do you really think it doesn't matter?”

She sighs and turns her head away, so Fitz won't see the annoyance in her glance. She knows that he cares about her, but she's a grown up woman who was raised as an assassin and of course she's been in far more worst situation than this one. His excessive concern can be tiring, but Jemma knows he's not worrying about her because she wouldn't be able to protect herself, but because he cares about her.

“Look, I... I told you I don't belong here.”

“You do.”

“No, I mean... the base, and other agents, they just can't trust me. They'll always be scared of me, and they will always hate me. Nothing will change their opinion about me.”

Fitz sighs and purses his lips, moving closer to Jemma and finally, he sits on the bed next to her, taking both of her hands in his. She's right. He should have thought twice when he brought this woman here, but he can't say that he regrets that. They've grown so much closer over the past few months and he can't imagine this base without her. In fact, he can't imagine his life without her, and that’s what really matters.

“I won't leave you anyway”, he croaks. “I don't care what you did in the past, because it’s what you do in the present that really matters. You and I – that’s what’s the most important.”

Jemma smiles warmly and considers the man next to her. She had never dreamt that S.H.I.E.L.D. would be like a second home for her – and even though she sometimes still dreams of the Red Room and its horrors, she can't imagine herself anywhere else. She tries, but when she does there is always Fitz beside her, in each and every dream, holding her hands and guarding her from all the monsters she couldn't conquer so far.

“You and I, huh?” She smirks and Fitz shrugs. “I would really like that.”

“You would?” Fitz sounds hopeful, almost happy and Simmons can't help but laugh.

“I would. Sounds good. Maybe we should... we should try that and go out. Someplace nice.”

“Like a date?”

“Would you like that?”

He smiles with her favorite lopsided smile and she feels her heart skip a beat when he looks at her like she's the most wonderful person in this world.

“I definitely would.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks etoilesdeglace for editing!  
> Kudos or/and comments make me very happy.


End file.
